


Seinfeld: Apocalypse

by CELERY_MAN



Category: Seinfeld
Genre: Gen, Other, Robots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-31
Updated: 2018-08-31
Packaged: 2019-07-05 03:03:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15854922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CELERY_MAN/pseuds/CELERY_MAN
Summary: It is the year 2000. New York lays in ruins.Anyways Kramer saw Nightcrawler and he's determined to make a quick buck, even in the unrelenting hellscape of the bloody machine uprising. Jerry insists that they can make more money by syndicating their TV show though and he's probably right.





	Seinfeld: Apocalypse

Jerry squats in a dilapidated back alley, talking into a discarded bottle as if it is a microphone.

"There's silence. Soft, deafening, caressing. Outside, the puddles, they're rippling. It's a warm day. They're steaming. It's foggy, now. That's good. That's good cause _they_ can't see you. They can't see you through the fog."

Jerry laughs. The audience laughs with him.

 

Kramer quietly makes his way up through the apartment building, avoiding the nails sticking from the floor, and the jagged splintery beams above his curly hair. For a brief second, he hears a crash outside. There's a scream. Gargled, barely human. Like a fucking dying raccoon or something. It's silenced by a quick thunk and a wet, sharp crunch.

Kramer slides into Jerry's apartment. He slides about 6 whole feet, much like an ice skater, before coming to an abrupt halt.

"Oh my god, you wouldn't believe this, Jerry!"

Jerry takes off his gas mask. He rolls his eyes at Kramer.

"Oh, what now?"

"Jerry! Listen to this!"

Kramer procures a camera from his scout pack. He then pulls many strands of bloodstained 15mm film from his nostrils, enthusiastically winding it into a tape.

"We're gonna be fucking rich, Jerry, fucking rich I tell you!"

Jerry winces and snickers.

"Hey, watch the language, alright? We're still syndicated."

"Fuck you Jerry, I just got a fifteen minute reel of those, damn... _things_ from out there... Videos of 'em, just, murdering people. Fifteen whole minutes of it! You know what this stuff is, Jerry? It's like... this footage is like _coke_ to some people! Actually, no... Am I being too vague? This shit is _porn!_ Okay, okay... I'm telling you, Jerry! There's people out there, and they'll pay us... dozens... no... _hundreds_ of bucks to get their crusty, sticky hands on this shit!"

Kramer flails the now perfectly and fully wound cassette around.

"Well, come on, then," says Jerry, while expertly using his vocal chords, voice box, and lungs to produce the words. "Get it out there. We could use a few more machetes. Things are _expensive_ these days!"

A distorted laugh track plays from outside the window.

Kramer inserts the tape into the VCR, by inserting the tape into the place in the VCR that the tape is required to go. In more simplistic terms, Kramer has followed all necessary requirements to play the tape, using the intended capabilities of the VCR.

"Wow, use lube next time," says George, as he crab walks from the adjacent area. He is entirely bald, his glasses are clouded, and his shirt has been entirely stuffed with stale, moldy bread. He is storing it for later use, much like a small rodent mammal.

"God damn it!" said Jerry. "That kind of humor doesn't fit in with the tone we've painstakingly and meticulously created. We're about to get cancelled, you know."

Elaine starts to scribble with blood on the wall, as Kramer hits the Blu-Ray player several times in succession, in order to adjust the tracking and  play the raw film. The grotesque highlight reel begins.

"Oh my god, that man just got his spine ripped out!" clicked Jerry, with mannerisms much like the Predator.

The laugh track does not play. Instead there is a muffled sequence of bored, artificial coughs.

"I know, Jerry, I know. I should've used the high quality stuff on this, I mean, look at this... Look at _that!_ That's the money shot right there! _Big_ money! Low fidelity picture, though. At least the audio's acceptable! Listen to those _snaps!"_

"Kramer, you seem oddly into this."

Laugh track.

"Jerry, that's bullshit. It's not true. It's not. You know it's not! It uh, you know... It takes a bit more artistic initiative to sot of uh, _understand_ what's happening in these sort of things. You know. Once you grow up, Jerry, and once your taste matures a little bit— you'll get this specific feeling when you see our robot overlord pick some bitch up like a squirrel, and then, then pick her apart like a fucking chicken wing, in the span of 3 seconds. _With a chainsaw._ A giant fucking _robot_ chainsaw. Jeez, am I being too vague, again? Fuck me, Jerry!"

"No."

"...It was an expression. Anyways, what was I saying— oh, yeah! These people want grisly details, Jerry! They want everything. I'd know this, Jerry, I know!"

"You know everything," says Jerry, truthfully. Kramer rolls his third eye.

"They want every fucking detail. They've got no imagination, Jerry. They want to know what it feels like, when, when one of those big fucking guns goes off, and, and you feel it in your whole chest, like, like your clavicle feels like it's gonna turn into a switchblade and go flying out your back! That's what that sound feels like. And then, then they wanna know what it's like to have one of those cold, dead, beautiful robotic hands wrapped around their torso, 'till they're lungs get flattened like a whoopee cushion. _They_ don't wanna feel it, though, Jerry. They want _other_ people to. They want to watch that, _knowing_ that feeling... Ah, Jerry, I can tell you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, so I'll say it again. These people sexually stimulate themselves while viewing this type of content! _And I'm gonna be exploiting them for money!"_

"Wait, why are you getting so specific? I'm uncomfortable."

"Who gives a shit, Jerry? It's the fucking apocalypse! I'm gonna go burn some copies of this on my iMac," said Kramer.

Kramer skillfully unassembles the casing of the Blu-Ray player, and then removes the cassette.

"Do what you want cause a pirate is free!"

"But Kramer, that's your own original footage!"

"No, you misunderstood! I'm illegally downloading _The Bizzaro Jerry,_ Jerry, _as we speak!_ And, I'm also uploading robot porn at the same time. The future is marvelous!"


End file.
